He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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