Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
