I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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