my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
