forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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