I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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