You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
splinters make it hard to masturbate
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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