i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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