Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
