So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize