Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
