I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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