i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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