bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
