i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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