I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.