If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
