tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
