I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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