She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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