If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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