My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
