i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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