He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
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Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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