Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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