Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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