Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
