I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
