Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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