I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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