Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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