I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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