ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
