We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Mom said you looked used
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
