Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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