Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
