oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just blew my weed a kiss
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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