I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
