Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
