If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
