my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
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im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize