Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
