There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
