I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
