I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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