i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
