I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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