I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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