Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
