can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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