I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My ass is underappreciated
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
