How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
